The Zen of digging a hole

Ever grab a shovel and just start digging most people don't because they say its to hard or their soft little hands blister way to soon.   Thats the goal pussy push yourself past the point of pain past the point of thought to the point where you just become machine.  Dig a hole and dig it deep and big this is no two or three day project. Stay out there a good 8 to 10 hours shovel in hand digging how long till you break how long till you quit how long till you just go why in the fuck am I doing this shit. First thing to go is your hands they will blister then pop and it hurts like a mother fucker, next go your arms they turn to jello barely able to lift the dirt from the hole, then your back from throwing the dirt out of  the hole and twisting, then your legs from pushing the shovel in deeper and your mind is fucking with you this whole time telling you to quit like a whining little baby inside of you thinking about other shit and how much this sucks and shit that you would rather be doing.  Now get past all this pussified bullshit running through your body and mind and none of it fucking matters next thing you know your hands are bleeding your head is blank you cant feel shit from your neck down and your just digging like the shovel was always part of you.  No real point to this I just hate whinny pussies that can't to anything for themselves. fuck you very much and enjoy zen

The Ashes of Laughter

There were good times and I remember the laughter just like it was yesterday.  But as soon as it left my mouth it turned to ashes and fell to the ground like the  first  light snow of winter another grand time has come and past falling dead as it escaped from with in.  As I watch the ash of laughter slowly descend to the ground that my tired feet are standing I realize I am standing in and adding to an already thick dense sludgy layer of filth of good times that have past.  I watch as people trudge through it on their normal routines and even allowing their children to play in it while they sip peppermint mocha's.  To say the word happy I would have to know the condition was it real, stoned, drunk or high laughing while waiting for the truth to set in or the come down or hang over to kick in.  Fun's over now what stuck back into the mundane clutches of societies ruling paw.  It sure feels good to get away with something oh that enjoyable rush.  Lets take away life's safety net and make it exciting.  I cant seem to hold a smile for more than a couple seconds.  The laughter that I do keep inside at  least what is left never really sure why I always keep a little for myself.  I don't know why its almost like a gift that is to valuable to just hand out to a stranger its the little things like this the little things I keep that secure that little bit of happiness that I keep inside.  You took most of it fuckers  but the real shit will never be yours.

Dont ask me questions

Don't ask me questions for all I have for your are lies.

Don't tell me do to anything cause it wont get done.

Don't ask me to go anywhere I have probably been before.

I hear the shit that falls from your mouth only for a little bit.

Then just the thought of standing there makes me sick.

Don't  make me promises that you can't  keep.

Don't tell me things will get better when you don't even know me.

Maybe I like them just the way they are.

Maybe my happiness is this creative pain that I create for myself.

A life where nothing means something and  something means nothing.

Pain and anger are motivation when placed within the correct harness.

So ask your questions and enjoy my lies.

At least its worth a giggle for me on your account.

From the Inside

My insides are screaming and clawing to get out.  It's like there is a war going on inside of me and nothing can stop it.  Yet some how my skin has the ability to contain it and keep it all in.  This is rage trapped into yet another cage it wants out and I want to rip open my skin and let it out what ever it is that races through my veins.  I just want to poke a little hole and see if it makes things feel better.  Maybe I will cut deeper or to deep and someone will notice this time.  I like the pain of tattoos it takes me away for a few hours but how long will that help.  Eventually I will have to go deeper for relief.  I am waiting for sleep to come just so I can switch off my brain I just hope I can sleep for a lot longer its peaceful there.

What is the purpose of life

I have done shit to make myself happy in this life.  I take shitty jobs cause I think that's what you are supposed to do.  But I usually fuck that up in a matter of time I guess just basically realizing that work bores the fuck out of me.  Especially when you have to listen to some asshole who wants things done his way this usually ends up in a compete burning of the bridge.  Because if it sucked there once who the fuck wants to go back.  Now at 40 I realize I am stuck on an island with nothing.  I have already killed and eaten all that was there to live on burned all my bridges getting there fuck there isn't even a boat or a raft to float off into oblivion  no where insight to even swim to.  Its like now I just want to walk out into the water and scrape and cut my feet on the sharp coral and swim out to where the sharks are feeding.  There will be no boat or plane coming soon this is no Gillian's island.  My will to stay and fight is far less knowing that at best things will only be  the same.  Yet they say there is comfort in things being the same.  Its the boredom that scares the shit out of me now.  To much free time so little to do trust me your mind will fuck you.

The Day My Soul Left My body

Sure as shit I kid you not I know the exact day my soul left my body what replaced it I have no idea but I knew I was no longer the self I grew to know.  It was a late night at a warehouse party in the early 90's.  I had been reading a book on self transportation and remote viewing it just so happens at the time.  To make a long story short the whole idea of self transportation is based on the ability to align your chakras and get them all in the same patterns of rotation a so called inter peace type state.  This is done through studying and understanding how your body works and breathing and focus which I was no where near understanding or option 2 a shit load of drugs I just so happened to end up with option 2 this particular night.  Believe me this was something totally unintended and defiantly  unwanted.  So on with the story so the party was going good had a pocket of lsd just in case we couldn't obtain any x so the night was getting late as was the x so I decided to take a couple hits of the lsd not something new to me just out with friends trying to have a good time and things were just about to get better.  Well not long after taking the lsd low and behold a hand shake from an old friend revealed the x little did I know at the time but the lsd still hadn't taken its effect yet so I swallowed the pill.  It didn't take long after that for things to really kick in and kick in they did the whole world got really good it was like nirvana I remember dancing and feeling every nerve in my body supercharged.  My best friend came up to me to check on me and asked me how I was doing I told him the best ever.  He said I'm keeping my eye on you and with in an hour it was a good thing that he was I was so out of it just not on the same plain so he said lets go outside for a smoke.  On the way out of the building with each step my soul lifted up higher and higher till it was already outside looking back at me as I walked out then it hovered above us at the other end of the parking lot and I could see myself through both sets of eyes. Then it just vanished.  So to the fucker out their wearing my soul I hope you enjoy it cause the one inside me now sucks.

Where is the real life shit

I stopped by to give this blogging bit a shot and I am just wondering where the fuck all the people are where are the artists, writers and poets. All I can find on here is some lame fucking shit about how to bake fucking cookies of some lame ass family reunion photos  of some fucks that I just hope I never have to see while waiting in line for a cup of coffee.  Show me the struggle the people writing while fighting yet another fucked up war.  People that are pissed that the price of gas can go from $4 to $2 basically overnight.  People who fucking hate this lame ass controlled life that is forced upon us.  The people fucking unemployed and pissed off because someone came in to do their job for less money. Where are the people getting butt fucked by the system.  I fucking know it isn't a fucking bed of roses out there for everyone now.  If you think it is check your retirement package that you thought was going so well.  In the 60's it was time for revolution don't see that happening just a bunch of spineless jellyfish floating in a sea of fuck hoping they don't get caught up in a big floating pile of whale shit before the next mating season.  Your TV is killing you your identity no longer matters.  You google yourself every week just to see if your life was even worth a shit.  You have created nothing you work a shit job you stop off at the store for a 6 pack and some food and disappear into oblivion.  You have not made one single impact on this world except for the fuck trophy you created one night after to many shots and a couple lines of coke.  Pissed off yet.  I sure hope so cause if your not pissed now mother fuckers you aren't living.  Shit your not even fucking breathing.  

Lets play some golf

Life is like golf you could  play your entire life and be extremely great at the sport yet you will always quest for the elusive hole in one.  What happens when you get it? How much longer will you have to wait till the next one or will it even happen? Or do you simply just give up and go on to something new? Realizing that it will never happen again.  Now I know there are people out there with real problems.  Struggling with some  real deep shit.  People who's day to day life is complete fucking hell.  Not knowing where they will sleep or what the fuck they will eat if anything or simply just how will they get to work  or how much longer do they have to live cause of a life threatening illness.  Makes me feel like I for some reason crate this obscure world where I allow myself not to focus and set goals as if avoiding failure  yet being wrapped in the arms of failure.  The failure of not trying to attain a meaningful existence.  Of the hand full of great people in this world there are million's of us that just go through the motions.  Most are able to block out this with their quest for money for shit they do not need.  I have rooms full of shit I do not need and I really do not even know why.  What is true happiness  absolute freedom . Here in America they say we have freedom but do we?  Is it possible to run naked through a field of daises with your lover or to make love on the beach as the sun sets without constantly looking over your shoulder waiting to get slapped in handcuffs and hauled off to the local jail by some failure high school football player turned pissed fat drunk cop.  All because he did not fulfill his dream of being a million dollar quarterback for some fucking gay ass football team.  Just give me my fucking freedom and keep your politics and religion off my cock.  Fuck golf try bowling its easier..

Whats in the Fridge

Beauty is the power of a scream.  As a shadow falls like blood from a knife death becomes like a garden in the spring.  Drunk on the honey rock smell of the symphony.  I run her to bead drooling love from my sausage head.  She shows me two breasts i still lick them.  Lovely women produce such luscious milk he said as the ugly girls flood me with such bitter juice. I tongue behind the hair of her pink peach petal. The goddess moans eat me as I finger her butt.  Her mother cannot picture the lust yet she stares at his enormous size.  In delirious worship she whispers hot music of men.  I still pound away asking her to leave white lather in her forest..

Rich and Famous

Everybody  wants money and most people sell themselves short of what they area actually worth.  Take your wife or girlfriend for instance if she was an addict I guarantee the price of your monthly blow job would go up in price from a pat on the back of her head and a promise not to cum in her mouth to for $100 I will let you cum in my girlfriends ass and then I will suck it out with a straw.  So whats my point you ask?  Well there isn't a fucking thing sacred  anymore because everyone wants to be rich and famous.  Just look at the blacks gunning down their own brothers to be accepted into the high rolling society of the gangster.  As I walk by a bum begging for my change I realize this guy just wants to party like a rock star and the sad thing is that he just cant afford it and the fuck if I can afford to help him out.  So I keep my change and feel no sorrow for where he put himself.  Everyone has a choice in life and some just give up to soon before the man upstairs is ready to give them acceptance into his golden kingdom..

Fight for Peace

A dead man lies peacefully in his coffin his last resting  place.  Still haunted by visions of his past life 6 feet under.  The sun still shines its burning glare through the flower which grows from the eyeball of his decaying corpse.  The flower his last connection to a past life still sees the world above.  He still breathes death's cold air. His hair has grown out from his naturally bald state. the flower his only colorful outlook on life.  He must wait for something to happen who will win his soul god or the devil.  He knows he fucked up in life and is having visions of a life burning in hell.  Its to late for him to choose sides as the forces of good and evil fight for his soul's eternal resting place.  As the sun rises thorns grow from the flower will a decision soon be made or will the thorns slowly grow and eventually poke at his brain making it harder for him to focus on the battle for his soul.

Johnny

Hi my name is Johnny I quest for the mega high.

Fuck work I will steal and kill for my next fix.

I've drank vodka through my ass and shot up 

through my balls.  I will eat your brain if it gets me High.

I will fuck your wife your daughter in front of you

duct taped to a chair just to feel the rush.  

Fuck me, Fuck you your life means shit to me.

I would blow my brains out if it got me high.

So fuck you as I lift your wallet bye bye.. Johnny

Life in death

Life in death 

rotting corpse

put down to rest

before your time

I hold you hand

it remains ice cold

i feel your hair 

its grown since yesterday

Life in death

your much to young

feelings haven't left

they have just begun

your much to cold

the smell of days is strong

how long will you last

why is something so right so wrong

I just wanna fuck you

in your deep sleep

I just wanna fuck you 

when you can't speak

Born

When I was born my momma cried fuck  you Jesus and

the doctor slapped my ass and I to began to cry.  But the cry wasn't in 

pain instead the simple fact that I was chosen to live in this world.  Born

of one sperm and one egg knowing i could have been spent on a blow job or some stain on 

some towel stuffed under a couch somewhere or thrown away or sent to the cleaners.

Although many do not see it this is probably the most creative art form there is for this form of 

art takes on life and like all are some sucks and is ugly as hell and worthless except to its creators who will eventually loose interest also. I feel lucky for I am a beautiful creation liked by most all who see me I am the creation of two beautiful artists who would never sell their creation for any

amount of money.

Cutters Rush

I cut my skin just to watch it bleed

I watch the skin open up it all seems so new

soon it fills up like a flood gate was open

and runs out over my arm

the pain hasn't caught up with the thrill

oh so much entertainment as my heart races faster

the pain slowly grows only more intense

as I watch the river flow

I feel myself getting just a bit dizzy

will this wound ever stop 

will i only get more dizzy or pass out in disbelief

the blood begins to slow a trickle is all I feel now

I gain stability and stand steady once again

now I wash myself it looks like another scratch

Oh was that ever fun and never felt so good

Now I only bask in the afterglow of  excitement and pain

Smoke RIngs

I sit here staring off into nothing but somehow noticing something

as I blow my smoke into the air. I watch as it swirls around creating images

at which I stare. I take another drag but cannot feel my lungs.  I just want to see 

more images and what they will become.   No the whole thing isn't all that fun. But 

what better way to pass my time and keep the creeping death grasp of boredom at bay.

But light another cigarette watch my smoky grey dreams float up and a way. Another 4 bucks 

I get 120 minutes of different smoke filled scenes.  Yes I know its bad for me but what the hell.

Its better than TV but you wont understand your imagination is flat and yes there goes another 

day.

Can't Change Me

Can't change me

from who I am 

Don't give a shit 

or a damn

Can't tell me 

about today

cause I see things

in a different way

don't  tell me 

Its hard what you do

I wont believe it 

till i see black and blue

I live my life 

the same everyday

no fancy shit

no fuckin way

no I wont cut my hair

you have big tits that's why they stare

Can't change me 

from who I am 

Don't give a fuck 

or a damn

you show me things 

I've already seen

then wonder why 

I get so mean

Don't follow me around 

just let me be

I don't need 

a good luck charm

you get to close

I'll do you harm

Who Bleed My Bed

Woke up this morning in a pool of red

I felt so sick i thought i was dead

I looked down to see where it was from

It was not me smelled just like salmon

Came in last night 

So drunk, no sight

Woke up this morning I was dead

And some chick just bleed my bed

Blood on my hands blood on my face

Oh my god do I belong to this race

Who ever it was I do not know

I just hope she's not at our next show

  Who bled my bed

Who bled my bed

I don't want to know 

I just wish I was dead

My mouth tasted just like dead fish

I hope she was fine for my last wish

Looks like my cock was shot with a gun

Still don't remember just hope it was fun

Inside this NEW Door

Welcome to this here little door

The paint is still fresh and bell works too

wont you come on in 

Its the only place 

where a sin is not a sin

you are left alone 

to do what you do 

just don't bring down 

any one's shit fuck world with you

do what it is that you must do 

because the door it welcomes you 

feel no sorrow feel no pain 

just be happy and come back again

the door is always open 

just sometimes hard to find 

the only thing blocking it 

are the shadows of your own mind

dig through the cobwebs 

get them all out

the only secrets your hiding 

are from you being yourself

Lonely Road

once again on this long lonely road

no one around no where to go

the road seems to go on forever

without a curve when does it end NEVER

the road runs right through hell

go ahead kill yourself you might as well

it will take you down to your lowest point

oh god help me and end this awful strife

you keep waking because there is light 

and to just quit would not be right

just keep on going to see another morning

but you feet are sore yet your mind keeps going

how close to death will this pain get

i scratch my skin the bloods all wet

this lonely road you wont forget

this walk to hell you wont regret

Funnel Fed

I saw a woman

who was funnel fed

huge old ass that

said wonder bread

her husband was a 

skinny little man

that hatched himself

quite a plan

feed her fast she will grow

sit back and laugh 

watch her explode

I have seen pigs eat

less in a week

she licks the dumpster clean

and mayonnaise off your feet

she loves to funnel feed oh so much

chops her food up into a slush

chokes it down with quite a grin

and whips the rest off her chin

when the feeding day is done 

then she makes her husband cum 

he rides her fat ass just like a wave

cause shes his funnel fed fuck slave

The Clown

There are clown running through our sewer system

killing our children and making  us victims

of shattered lives and broken dreams

listen to the silence and hear the screams

    the  acid clown came today

    melted your mind made you stay

    kill your brain you will pay

    you  question authority everyday

on the clown there is no tomorrow

just paisley skies and feelings of sorrow

painted pictures in crazy colors

screaming fathers and crying mothers

the acid clown came today 

melted your mind made you stay

kill your brain you will pay

you question authority everyday

against the clown your in a loosing race

with twisted vision girls in lace 

the powers to great for you to stop

it will kill, rape and burn to get on top

once hes in he wont go away 

he will be in your life that whole day

when you go for a ride with the clown 

he will take control till you come down

World

With a cup of coffee and the daily news

I wait for the bus in my running shoes

standing on the corner watching the world 

all I see is destruction and people being sold

       the world sucks and life is fucked

       making it through the day is purely luck

       the world sucks and life is fucked

       making it through the day  is purely luck

fish can no longer swim in the sea

because the oceans are filled with debris

see a bird filled with oil

dead on the beach left to spoil

       the world sucks and life is fucked

       making it through the day is purely luck

as war tears through foreign sands

we watch our kids die for others land

its time to organize do what they despise

its  time to stand up for your lives

31 Flavors Now Only Serves Chocolate and Vanilla

Get in close and wrap your mind around this one I guarantee it will be fun and most likely twisted.  Not much of a political person I could really give a fuck until they really start fucking up and yes we are at that fucking point.  Thing is if we weren't the great USA someone would invade our ass and put the leader that they wanted in office. Ohh wait the USA hasn't done  that have they well with my best hillbilly UUGHHH yes we have Panamas Noriega,  Iraq's  Saddam all put into office by our very own CIA makes you wonder where the Intelligence is in that agency.  So any way back to it sorry for getting taken off track.  Imagine going to baskin and Robbins with the kiddies in the back of the mini van and its  a fucking hot ass day some ice cream is the only way  to cool down and everyone in  the back is screaming how they want this flavor and that flavor they are even talking about the new birthday cake cone where when you lick it 30 times all kinds of glitter and silly string shoots out everyone is going ape shit. America fucking great you have choices or at least that's what we are fooled into believing.  So you get to baskins and Robbins and scramble all the kiddies in and you have a high school kid trying to teach his or her employee which happens to speak not a lick of English how to operate the ice cream scoop let alone the cash register or take orders that aren't in Spanish or some other off the wall language.  Well guess what mother fuckers baskins and Robbins no longer has 31 flavors its only chocolate and vanilla and those flavors suck fucking ass.  Welcome to yet another election.  Land of the free and all we get are two fucking choices.  This really sucks balls.  Now you have all this shit about the economy that is just fucking stupid its a slam fucking dunk  what needs to happen.  Legalize all drugs everything.  Well that wont work you say the fuck it wont check this out dope fiends will go crazy and many will overdose in the first weekend.  Now the jobs that they were preforming shitty at because they were a dope fiend will now be open for someone that can keep their shit together.   Imagine with the legalization of just weed alone if you sold it like cigarettes or booze.  Economy boom.  But life is great and I am proud to be an American and could think of nothing better than my two choices.  I fucking hate chocolate and vanilla where the fuck is jamocha almond fudge or pistachio.

Debris of Urban Sprawl

As the encroaching debris of urban sprawl gnaws at suburban life what we quest for in life becomes attainable but its value is worthless.  To want what everyone has reminds me of the beginning signs of a bad migraine.  The numbing nauseous feeling of the distorted reality that something is about to go wrong.  Change though frequent is not always for the better in fact the comfort of the routine combats the truth that we are all always in a constant state of FUCK.  Always hoping that one day we can be the fucker instead of the fuckee.  Cause sometimes its better to give than receive.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS

The Blancing Act

Balancing the good with the bad a scale that never seems to  even out no matter how hard you try.  Its like trying to tune a guitar with a warped neck right when you think your getting close and you wind the last string tighter it throws all the other strings out of whack.  Is playing with five strings in tune good enough while learning to adjust and figure out how the hell to make the fucked up sixth string work by cheating and bending the shit out of it?  Or do you just go out and buy a whole new guitar or risk fucking things up further by trying to adjust the warped neck yourself?  As I sit here clearing my mind on yet another blank page that is already full of self analysis trying to figure out if I'm doing the work of cleaning out my mind myself or if its just talking about it to a complete stranger that is what is helping.  With stores full of self help books I realize there are alot of people out there that are at least a little fucked up if not more so than me.  Thing is do we actually have the ability and tools to fix ourselves.  I know one thing being angry and pisses is very draining like a sickness only it feeds on you like a vampire one taste of the virgins blood and we need more.  Is there such a thing as a happy artist or is our pain our own self made drive for creation?  Do more people relate to a song about happiness or a song about the pain of living?  Is the  pain the driving force of our existence hoping that one day things will magically get better.  It would be interesting to count the actual number of fantastic almost magical days the we actually have in our lifetime I can fucking guarantee that they are in no way anywhere near the number of fucked up shitty days that we get to become acquainted with.

Anger Equals Boredom

Anger equals the boredom caused by the endless cycle that everyday is the same.  No one day is greater than the next or the last.  Just another spin on the endless cycle.  The challenge no longer occupies  the time.  Free time is often uneventful as the mind dwells on the cycle.  Yet breaks in the cycle bring depression.  The depression brings back the creativity.  Creativity brings on happiness.  Do i live in my own world or that created  by others and suicide is still illegal.  Forced to live in a world under someones  rules and guidelines.  Its all right to die for your God or your Country in fact last time I checked its considered honorable yet if you want to choose the do it yourself method and fail you get a one way trip to jail.  Yet our anger is still unjustified....FUCK THAT.

The Great American Decline

The great American Decline what was once a clogged toilet flush through shit filled plumbing is now an overflowing river of fuck  draining out of the pussy of an over worked hooker.  The blood that surfaced from a scraped knuckle now pools on the floor quicker then the sliced jugular of a sacrificial goat as we race to destroy what was once beautiful.  The ugly truth now causes our eye's to wince in pain.  The pain of our own creation a cancer filled lung that eats away at our soul with every breath.  The animals who once fed upon what nature provided now feed upon the debris and left over scraps of our lazy human race.  A race or the true race to over populate and destroy everything it comes  in contact with as I dissect the inner workings of my mind I realize that only the front part is actually in use.  It clouds my vision and causes and inability to focus and pulls me from the rat race.  People distract me from my one creations with their rules, lies and inability to think on an intelligent level.  They seem to have their own vision which comes from somewhere close to their ass where their head resides most of the time.  My freedom is more important to me than the time they steal from me.  Americas greatest lie.  WELCOME TO AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE.  Bullshit free slavery is about all America has to offer now.  Prison cells are often bigger than most peoples space on the outside and many of us are just prisoners of our own mind which is even smaller yet it holds a vast area of undisclosed space.  Mostly untouched and unoccupied by any clue as to what the fuck is going on.  As a species  we crave what we don't have and the things we see others with.  Like their lives are so much fucking better than our own.  Well guess what you get exactly what you want. Yes right here in America you to can have the fucked up lives of your neighbors, friends and family its all just a credit card away and you to can live your life of suckdom right along with them and enjoy your flush able existence.

Sirens and Screams

Sirens, Screams and the unheard laughter of the night.

As the fading sun sets the rats scurry back into the walls of safety.

Faces change from hope to despair as you realize there is no getting out of here.

The sleep that is forced into your eyes in hope that the sun will again soon rise.

Tomorrow may bring change or a chance to dig deeper holes.

The darkness of depth only begins to comfort your fears of the night.

The sirens and screams become audible during the day only enough to bring on a false sense 

of peace.

This Razor

As I take this razor and slit and twist

I realize its not my blood that flows from my wrist

Just the dreams that others have set for me

As the drips begin their steady flow

Its the stains on the carpet that I watch grow

I can not see the dreams that were supposed to be inside

They just are not there in this suicide

I wrap the wound one last time

Looking for another sign

I feel no pain from anywhere within

I have grown numb to this and the outside world

For inside I am already dead

I exist only in this tiny spot inside my mind

Im  not even sure that with true aim 

I  could even hit that spot

Maybe the cut should be deeper next time 

Maybe I will scratch through the rusted coat of armor

And for one last gleaming moment see the shine 

That has long been covered and corroded

Unemployed and bored out of my fucking mind

Not like I ever expect to have anyone ever read this or stop by to comment that's not my intention.  My spelling and grammar will probably suck serious ass at times.  But fuck it this is not grade school so feel free to take your red correction pens and your small minds and shove them up your ass.  Because to be honest with you I really do not give a fuck.  

So why the Suicide Diaries you ask well for one every day that I wake up I try to decide which I should do first go make a cup of coffee or grab the loaded shotgun from under the bed and put a fucking end to this fucking boring ass life.  I tend to lean toward the coffee and hope that the pack of cigarettes I smoke will do the job.  I imagine they are just at a really fucking slow rate.  My life has started to resemble watching paint dry or old people fuck.  I have lost the ability to create art or music it just seems like way to much work and is it going to fucking matter anyway.  Its not like I want to be some rich famous asshole that still has to work for even richer assholes.  Well this is the starting point. Be careful when you jump in cause the shit is deep.